1) The scent of fresh baby wipes mixed with the stench of a shitty diaper should be turned into a Yankee Candle to prevent teenage pregnancies.
2) Parents who wrap giant bows around their daughter’s head like she’s been won in a Christmas raffle ought to be reported to child services.
3) People on the street will act as if they own the sidewalk, and consider themselves far too important to look where they’re going or take their eyes off their phone. Yet they have the audacity to blame YOU when they walk into your stroller.
4) I am someone who purposefully aims my stroller at people on the street who act like they own the sidewalk and consider themselves far too important to look where they are going or take their eyes of their phones.
5) To me, this is the best sound in the world:
6) My daughter resembles a sedated Tina Turner when she gets up from a nap.
7) My daughter is cooler than I am.
8) No matter how much money I spend on toys, my daughter will always find more amusement in opening every cupboard door or drawer and flinging their contents over her shoulder with the drama of a diva unsatisfied with her wardrobe.
9) Sean Hannity is a complete dick. This doesn’t have anything to do with things I’ve learned since becoming a dad. I just think you ought to know.
10) I will suffer a dead arm or dislocated shoulder before I move her when she’s comfortable and cuddled into me.
11) If I want to sing and do ‘The Time Warp’ dance to make my baby girl laugh, I will do so. I don’t care how much Karen in Macy’s Home Department finds it inappropriate.
12) I am a big ol’ liberal, pro-choice, gay feminist dad who has reached an age and attitude where I couldn’t give a flying rat’s ass of other people’s opinion of me. And it’s fucking glorious!